My Day

Wine, Mont Blanc pens, boxes, Spain, spices, shaving cream, hats, anger, lip gloss, Russians, perfume, coffee, cigarettes, a gun, insults.

I Hate Banks

They can suck it. I'm keeping my money in Mason jars buried in the backyard from now on. 

And people. If it's an emergency or if it's at the beginning of the month then you may call my cell phone. Otherwise, call my house. Or better yet, email me, I'm likely to get that faster anyway. Do NOT mess up my bank balance by using up my minutes and forcing my phone company to charge me more money. It causes great frustration, anger, and sadness on my part. 

Well-meaning/patronizing advice NOT welcome at this point in time. 

The Games

In order to compete in the Olympics, a person has to be at least 16 in the Olympic year. On the left is Nastia Liukin, the All-Around Gymnastics Champion. She is 18 years old. Standing next to her are two 7 year-olds 16 year-olds. Nastia is 5'3" so I'm thinking the toddler next to her is about 4'7"?

16 my butt.

"I wonder what this frozen pole tastes like!"

What is the stupidest thing someone our age could decide to do?

Prostitutes?

Drunk-driving?

Treason?

No, actually, the absolute most moronic thing to do at age 21 is to get MARRIED. 

My mother has a friend and this friend has a son who is my age and he will be marrying his girlfriend of two years in May. Right after they graduate college. Way to wait.

I was absolutely speechless when I heard this. The only people I know who could fathom getting married that early are redneck hicks who need to have 17 children and had thus better get a move on. Oh, and also our parents. 

I recently met a guy whose parents have been married over 20 years and still love each other. Allegedly. I'm thinking they should be in a museum or something.

Obviously my view of marriage isn't very rosy. Most of my friends come from broken homes and those that don't, have parents who need to wake up, smell the coffee, and hightail it to a divorce attorney. Staying together for the kids is as stupid a reason as staying together for the tax benefits. Children pick up on the fact that their parents dream of taking a chainsaw to each others body parts and start hanging out with crack whores. True story.

I'm not saying I'm never getting married. Or that I think all marriages are doomed to fail. I just think you need to do the absolute most possible to make sure that they are a success. Know each other for a really long time first. Preferably more than 2 years, though less than...say...80. Make sure that they adore as much as you do, your kids, pets, culture, or that really ugly lamp that is the one thing you would save in case of a fire. Big important issues like, "I think your ancestors were heathens and I need you to renounce them once and for all" should be addressed before rings are exchanged. And for God's sake, finish school, establish a career for yourself and then marry to your heart's content. 

Yes, I'm a little jaded. My mother left my father after about 2 years of marriage and was then a single parent for over a decade. Hard on me, yes, but nothing compared to what it was like for her. One would think that after her experiences my mother would recognize this for the disaster that it is sure to be. She, however, says I'm being overly cynical. Though coming from the woman who married the man who calls me naive and idealistic as many times as is possible to fit into a conversation, I find that rather ironic. 

Of course I wish nothing but happiness for this couple, who I don't even know. Perhaps they are incredibly level-headed, have given this a tremendous amount of thought, and are in fact each others soul-mates. Perhaps they will be together forever, and not out of some sense of misplaced duty. I just think that there isn't any reason to get married now, when things are already complicated enough, when you can do it 5, 6 years later and understand a lot better whether you really do want to wake up next to this same person for the rest of your life. 

Disclaimer: This post may seem rather harsh because I am still in shock.  I don't mean to insult anyone especially not my mother, who has totally provided me with a happy childhood, though has also acted as a cautionary tale. And I really, really hope this doesn't make its way over to the people this is about (please, Mom) but if it does, please don't be insulted. I have boundary issues I'm working on. 

Encyclopedia Brown 2.0

My brother, after reading about fifteen hundred Jigsaw Jones Mystery books: "If you need a mystery solved, I'll do it for free, but others I'll charge a quarter a day. I'm going to ask mom for some business cards."

Goodbye Greencard Pt. 2

At the oath ceremony, every seat had a large envelope with a bunch of "essentials" for the new citizen. A copy of the Declaration of Independence, a Citizen's Almanac, a letter from Bush, a voter registration guide, and a really cheap American flag that we were supposed to wave at particularly emotional/exciting times. I was sitting in my seat during one of the random speeches looking at this little flag and thinking how completely unsurprising it was that at this grand ceremony were people kept extolling the American Dream I was holding a stick and piece of cloth glued together by some exploited illegal worker. 

Goodbye Greencard and Dancing with the Stars

Well, I took the citizenship oath today and am officially a United States citizen. They took away my greencard and instead gave me a Certificate of Naturalization. They talked a lot at us but I couldn't really understand very well so I either listened to my iPod or watched this adorable little kid who was sitting in front of me. We had to sing the National Anthem (which I mouthed because that song was written for opera singers), say the Pledge of Allegiance, and take the oath, which asked us to denounce ties with all other nations but I crossed my fingers at that part. You can read the oath here.

The coolest part of the whole event was not being told that we were officially American citizens or taking the oath or even the taped message from George W. Bush (although I did get a little teary at that part) but the fact that I saw two of the dancers from Dancing with the Stars, Jonathan Roberts and Anna Trebunskaya. I LOVE this show so seeing them was amazing. She is Russian and was getting her citizenship and he kept walking around taking photos. I really wanted to go up to them but was too shy. And while the American readers of this blog might be a bit annoyed that I though THAT was the coolest part of the whole event, I'm sorry but I'm a proud Russian girl with her own priorities. Flashy dance shows are more exciting than being eligible for jury duty. 

p.s. For those who thought I actually did get teary during Bush's message stop reading now, you are not my target audience. 

***Update: Well, apparently it's illegal to photograph or copy a Certificate of Naturalization. So while I doubt the Department of Homeland Security is really paying that much attention to this blog, I'm going to take it down anyway. 

Little Korean Boy Sings Hey Jude

Dear Olga,

You are amazing. At least I think you still are because I haven't seen you since...I actually don't remember. Quite frankly I've grown a little fuzzy on what you look like. But I seem to vaguely recall stunning good looks so hopefully you haven't let yourself go...

I can't believe we're not together on this, your 20th birthday. This is a HUGE milestone because up till now you've been a lowly little teenager and now you are a woman, taking on the world. Hopefully with cake and party hats. You and your amazing genetic material are going to write amazing things and I'm going to go around telling everyone that yes, in fact, I am the best friend of that Tony-nominated writer. And people will buy me drinks and ask me to tell them embarrassing things about you but I will remain loyal to our friendship.

I cannot even count how many times I've felt low but then remembered that Your Amazingness is my best friend and that you call ME about the most important events in your life... like when you pierced your nose. Which I thought was a completely awful idea until I saw it and it actually looked cool. Your emails are what I look forward to the most when I check my inbox seventeen hundred times a day. And even though we're not always really good at keeping in touch I have never in my life worried that we are growing apart. And you are the only person I can say that about.

I hope that today was an incredibly happy day for you because you deserve them everyday but especially on this day, your birthday. I love you more than words can say, although i'll bet that you could say it. Be happy, healthy, but most of all, always be my best friend because it is your friendship that propels me forward to believe that I CAN do the things that I want to do.

Happy Birthday, Olga.

Demotivators that ring particularly true

Laugh at yourself...

...because nothing is more dull than a person who takes themselves way too seriously. 

I think the obviously facetious nature of the previous post's title signaled that the content was not to be taken seriously. If anyone thought that I was actually trying to blame anyone but myself for driving a knife into my hand then I'm sorry you misunderstood. Perhaps I did not make the post ironic enough. 

On the other hand, I have to cater to the wishes of teachers when writing my essays, and in this, my blog, I don't really feel like doing that. I have a certain style of writing and I will continue to write in that style. I'll accept criticism but will defend derision that I believe is unwarranted.